All right! This is your armchair coach/manager speaking. I’ve been patient with all of you, but that’s worn thinner than my husband’s favorite green shirt that I don’t dare throw away for fear of retribution. Now you’re going to see the ugly side of Coach Weston.
To my boys in Yankee Stadium: You’ve played around with Boston long enough. The playoffs are not in the bag yet, so please don’t become complacent. You can become complacent when your magic number is 0, not 4. Win the next 4 games (so I can buy a playoff sweatshirt), and then take a break. And A-Rod, don’t even think about returning to August form. Jeter, good job on the 25 game hitting-streak. Tell Melky to get on base next time you’ve got to get a hit to keep the streak going. And Jorge, just…. Just don’t let the last part of last night happen until after you guys clinch the division. And will someone in the Red Sox clubhouse please tell Coco Crisp not to play so hard. Geez (sp?), you’d think the guy actually cared about the game or something. (Just teasing. Nice catch. Made me angry, but a really nice catch.)
To my boys in Tampa: Sims, what’s up with the 300 passing yards but three interceptions? You’re better than that. Get out there and silence the media about it. Oh, and please throw every single pass to Galloway. He’s on my fantasy team, and I’m about to yell at them.
To my Pink Jeep Wranglers: All right boys, laps for all of you. You’re all about the biggest bunch of underperforming pro-bowlers I’ve ever managed. My rookie is playing better than most of you are! Lamont Jordan, you’re just going to have to figure out a way to get around everyone despite the fact that your offensive line collapses the moment the quarterback yells “Hike!” Figure it out. The only reason I’m keeping you in is because I think the Raider’s new quarterback might take some pressure off of you. And Colts Defense, I’m ashamed. Your team being up by almost 40 points is absolutely no reason for you to take a nap in the second quarter. We fantasy football people are counting on you to maintain consistency even when you’re offense is up. And Tom Brady, I know that you got away with a big fumble during the playoff game against the raiders a few years ago, but that doesn’t mean the refs are going to give it to you every time. No more fumbling for you.
That's all for now. I'm expecting a much better performance (and a playoff sweatshirt) next week.
For more information on my debut novel, A Prophecy Forgotten, check out my website at http://www.elysianchronicles.com