This morning, we went to breakfast at First Watch, and after the meal our server handed me a box of chocolate and said, "I wasn't sure. We're handing them out to all the mothers."
I honestly wasn't expecting Mother's Day to hit me that hard. See, if I hadn't miscarried in December (Christmas Eve was when it finally happened), I would be 5 1/2 months pregnant right now. When my dad said the prayer at dinner tonight, thanking God for all the mothers in the family, my name should finally have been one of them. I haven't really thought about the miscarriage since it happened until today.
So many feelings and thoughts rushed through my mind from wondering what was wrong with my body to knowing that my husband wishes we had kids. Dwelling on that stuff can really mess you up if you let it.
But after some more thinking, I realized a few things:
- If I had remained pregnant, I would have had to cut back on a lot of my promotion for The Elysian Chronicles. Yes, I was willing to do it. I had reorganized my entire marketing strategy in my mind in order to stay home and be a mom.
- If I had remained pregnant, I may not have gone to MegaCon, which is where I met the guys at Ad Astra Radio, thus beginning my radio program.
- Nor would I have gone to OmegaCon in March. (Can you imagine the drive from South Florida to Alabama, constantly having to stop to go to the bathroom and puking every morning?)
- If I had not gone to OmegaCon, I would not have met some key people, including the president of a company that I can't talk about yet (keep checking the blog for breaking news), an invaluable contact and friend who is helping me with some research for Out of the Shadows and Book III of the Elysian Chronicles, and other really great people who have become friends. (OmegaCon was one of those things that I knew I needed to be there, but I didn't know why.)
- I would not have lost a total of 10 pounds. I would be gaining, actually.
- With this economy, a baby would be difficult--especially now that I have to help clean, and the chemicals I'm breathing in would not be good for a developing baby.
I can see how everything has worked out for the better. Because I am not pregnant, my audience will grow. Out of the Shadows will be even more phenomenal than it was just a month ago. Book III will be even more amazing than what it was in my mind when I started. My life has been enriched with new friendships. Honestly, I'm pretty excited about the direction my life is headed.
Knowing those things doesn't take away those nasty feelings when they decide to hit, but reminding myself of them reminds me how amazing God is.