M. B. Weston’s Events for the Week: 04/28/08 to 05/04/08

Here are my author and radio events this week:

• Saturday, March 30, 2:00pm-3:00pm (and throughout the week at the same times): The Final Cut in Movies radio program on Ad Astra Radio. This week we'll be discussing The Chronicles of Narnia's The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Click here to listen, and then click the blinking "Listen Live" button on the top right, or download the podcast at M. B. Weston's Podcasts site.

The Final Cut in Movies Episodes Now Available as Podcasts!

I've been promising to do it, and I've finally done it. All of the episodes from The Final Cut in Movies are now available as podcasts--meaning you can download the mp3 files and listen to them on your computer or in your iPod--(your choice) whenever you want instead of only from 2:00 to 3:00am and pm!

You can access the previous files two ways:

1. Visit my podcasting blog (M. B. Weston's Podcasts--cheesy title, but whatever) at http://mbweston.libsyn.com/ and click on the downloadable files for each episode.
2. Download the shows by clicking the links below...

Here are my previous shows. Each podcast is about 30MB, so it might take a while to download.

• 02/29/08 Spiderwick Chronicles and the (Elitist) Academy Awards: On tonight's show, we'll be discussing The Spiderwick Chronicles, the 2008 Academy Awards, and other science fiction & fantasy news. Click here to download.
• 03/07/08: All Things Star Wars (Blue Harvest Edition): On tonight's show, we'll be discussing the differences between The Original Star Wars and The New Star Wars, and--as always, other science fiction and fantasy movie news. Let's see how much I can cram into an hour... Well, 36 actual talking minutes. Click here to download.
• 03/28/08 10,000 BC: This week on The Final Cut in Movies, I'll be discussing 10,000 BC. Find out my opinion on the caveman non-documentary that seems to be doing well despite critical reviews and other science fiction & fantasy news. Click here to download.
• 04/04/08 I am Legend and Real Men: On this week’s show, I'll be discussing Will Smith's I Am Legend (now out on DVD), frogs, coral snakes, how to sweep your attacker's leg, a little bit of Sun Tzu, my thoughts on Nim's Island and The Ruins, and science fiction & fantasy news. (I think I even go on a rant on how Hollywood and commercials tend to blast men too much, so it should be fun...) Click here to download.
• 04/11/07 Nim's Island & Improbable Human Behavior: On this week’s show, I'll be discussing Nim's Island, staring Jodie Foster, Abigail Breslin, and the 300's King Leonidas (Gerard Butler). (Yes, I do refer to him more as Leonidas than Gerard. Leonidas makes him sound tougher.) Tune in to hear my opinion on the movie, my thoughts on the latest Science Fiction & Fantasy news, and my little rant against the bobbleheads (my pet name for movie reviewers) and why I really don't care what they think. (For more of my terms, you'll have to visit my "Final Cut Lingo" page, which I just updated.) Click here to download.
• 04/19/08: Batman Begins & What Makes a Hero: On this week’s show, I'll be discussing Batman Begins (to prepare for The Dark Knight's release in July), real men, the four types of people in the world, what it takes to be a hero, and other science fiction & fantasy news. (This one's got a lot of rants, so it should be interesting, provocative, and even slightly controversial.) Click here to download.
• 04/25/08: The Forbidden Kingdom: On this week’s show, I'll be discussing The Forbidden Kingdom, starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li, a new, exciting development regarding Peter Jackson and The Hobbit, and other science fiction & fantasy news. Click here to download.

If you have trouble downloading any of the files, visit the podcasting blog and download the files from there.

Michelle the Klutz Strikes Again!

Or Why I Can’t Pull Off “Glamorous”

I'm not quite sure where I was when God handed out grace and poise to all the girls. I might have been climbing a tree pretending to be a detective spying on my next door neighbors (who were, in fact, drug dealers whose massive estate was the half-way point for their drug runners) or I might have been in the pool pretending to be a mermaid. Either way, got skipped.

If you haven’t figured it out by reading some of my other blogs, I’m one of the world’s biggest klutzes. Part of my klutz problem is due to my scoliosis (see the blog on that), which throws off my balance, causing me to trip when others might not, etc. However, my twisted back doesn’t explain how I stub my toes all the time and constantly bruise my hips from bumping into random pieces of furniture—usually the corners. (The size of my hips compared to the rest of my body might have something to do with that, but it also has to do with not “being aware of my surroundings”….) I usually have a bruise somewhere on me, and half the time, I don’t even remember where it came from. It doesn’t matter how fancy you dress me, I’m not going to pull off “glamorous,” and I’m okay with that. (One has to know one’s limitations.) I’ve become comfortable with my lack of poise and grace, especially since I understand that my little slips and trips give others immense entertainment, and you know how much I like to entertain.

Yesterday while I was cleaning, I “pulled a Michelle,” and it was vintage Michelle. I was standing in a hall and realized I had forgotten something, so I spun around. Now, when I move—spin—whatever, it’s a comedy of errors waiting to happen because I don’t really pay attention to where all the parts of my body are or where they’re going (hence my bruised my hips and stubbed toes) and my limbs tend to flail every which-a-way. As I spun around, my arms flailed.

In classic Michelle form, I failed to notice the granite-topped table next to me in the already squished hall.

The back of my right hand—mainly the tendon that connects my middle finger to my wrist as well as the bone underneath it—slammed into the granite table’s sharp corner.

I have a question. If you are in freakish pain, a lump is starting to form on your hand, and you let out a non-understandable long, low groan-gasp-thing that if recorded and played at high speed might sound suspiciously like the F-Bomb…can you still be considered a lady?

Now that I have entertained you with my little “Michelle the Klutz” story, I figured I may as well dip into the vault and pull out some of the top “Classic Michelle Moments” for your reading pleasure. (This is a once in a lifetime experience, folks, where I'm going to bear my soul to make yours smile and maybe even laugh.) So here they are:

• The summer before my sophomore year, I was playing basketball on a mission trip in the Dominican Republic, and I landed directly on my ankle after getting a rebound. I had to hobble around for a week because no one wanted to take me to a third world hospital. (Don’t blame them. We had to send one guy to the hospital for a rabies shot after a rat bit him while he was sleeping, and we heard some really bad stuff…)
• Three months later, I rolled on the same ankle while stealing the ball from a guy during a pickup basketball game. (After having to hobble around school for six weeks, volleyball became my favorite sport.)
• On another mission trip in Ecuador, our group hiked up part of Mt. Cotopaxi—the world’s highest active volcano. We were all exhausted—especially our legs—because we were at such a high altitude that we could barely walk ten feet without stopping for a break. Later that day, I saw a pack of llamas. I really wanted a picture of the llamas, so I ran after them, leaping over a chain that hung across the path. My tired legs couldn’t make the leap, my toes connected with the chain. I fell face-first on the gravel.
• Once when I was jogging, my shoelace came untied. The track was gravel, and the palms of my hands and knees were bleeding once I finished executing the fall--arms and legs flailing.
• On a backpacking trip on the Appalachian Trail, I tripped and banged my knee on a rock. (It really hurts when you’ve got 20 pounds of extra weight in a backpack full of a week’s supplies on your back.) 15 minutes later, one of the guys in our group turned around and gasped. I looked down and saw that I had split my knee open. (Did you know that applying alcohol to a wound hurts more than hydrogen peroxide?)
• On a different backpacking trip, I tripped and fell face-first in the dirt. My backpack was so top-heavy that I couldn't get up. The group I was with had a good five-minute laugh before one of them pulled me up by my backpack.
• During a four square game with some high schoolers, I dove after the ball—directly into the corner of a wall. (If I’m going to play, I’m going to play hard.) Fortunately, I didn’t break my arm, but I jarred my left shoulder, and my rotator cuff hasn’t been the same since.
• I was playing beach volleyball with our church youth group a few years ago, and one of the members of our team hit the ball in the air out of bounds. I raced after the ball, keeping focus on its trajectory, and I dove, knocking the ball back into play and keeping our team alive. I rolled over and saw the youth pastor, Tom, standing over me in panic. That’s when I noticed a stake that kept the volleyball net secure poking out of the sand right next to my inner thigh. Tom thought I had impaled myself on it. Then I noticed another stake had taken a chunk of skin out of my right knee. (What can I say? If you're gonna dive into a stake to rescue a volleyball, dive into two!)
• Never try to walk a golden retriever while wearing roller-blades.
• During a game of flashlight tag in the rain two years ago, my right foot slipped, and I strained the meniscus in my knee, which involved a month of walking around in an immobilizer and then physical therapy.
• You’ve probably read the story of how I broke a windshield trying to kill a spider.
• I almost did pull off “glamorous” during my Senior Homecoming, until the small slit in the back of my knee-length dress began to tear—up. My friends, Sasha and Suzy, got me off the dance floor before a potentially life-scarring, humiliating experience could occur.
• My senior year, I was part of our high school band’s rifle guard. During a pep rally routine, I tossed my wooden rifle in the air and for some reason, I froze. (I think it was because the audience was already snickering at us. It’s a poise thing.) My rifle landed on the ground instead of in my hands—and the entire school booed me. I would probably still be crying in the auxiliary room if one of the band members had not come in and told me how much he respected me for continuing the routine even though everyone in the crowd was making fun of me (except for Sasha and Suzy, who were trapped in the stands, unable to march out on the field and rescue me that time).

So that’s why I'll never pull off glamorous. And if you see me sporting a bruise, you know I’ve probably just “pulled another Michelle.”

Memiors of a Cleaning Lady III: Special Operative Frogs

Yes, Special Operative frogs exist. They're part of the elite Land, Earth, Air & Pond (LEAP) division, and they work closely with the FAJs (Froggy Airborne Jumpers).

One such LEAPer--I'll call him Kermit--had taken the territory behind the stalls in the ladies' bathroom at one of the properties I clean on Fridays. (Same frog that attacked me twice last time...) Kermit had not only dug in fast, but he laid bunch of Plasma Odor & Ooze Package land mines that dribbled down the stall doors. POOP mines are easy to spot but difficult to remove without the correct equipment.

Since I'm POOP mine removal qualified, Weston Commercial Cleaning sent me in to clean it up.

Kermit maintained his position behind the stall door as I began disabling and eliminating the POOP mines, but LEAPers don't give up without a fight. He took flight and landed in my cleaning supply bucket--blocking my access to the necessary POOP removal equipment.

My only weapon was the bottle of disinfectant that I was holding before Kermit took control of my ammunition supply. Even though disinfectant is a surefire way to force a frog out of hiding, the use of such chemical weapons violates the Geneva Convention's rules regarding Frog/Human warfare. Aside from the fact that I'm a nice girl and don't want to hurt any frogs, I also knew that utilizing my disinfectant would cater to Kermit's strengths by causing him to go airborne, which would expose my main weakness--screaming like a girl. (After all, I am a girl...)

That gave me an idea. I decided to turn the tables on Kermit by taking advantage of his main weakness--his amphibious nature. If I took could place my cleaning supply bucket in direct sunlight while I cleaned the lawn chairs on the pool deck, the sun would heat the bucket and send Kermit searching for more shady territory. Of course, moving the bucket would involve the risk of Kermit going airborne--a risk I was willing to take since this particular LEAPer had already shown a tendency to stay in hiding.

I accomplished my bucket-moving mission, and once I finished cleaning the lawn chairs, Kermit had indeed vacated my cleaning supply bucket.

Unfortunately, new intelligence showed that Kermit had returned to the ladies' bathroom and resumed laying POOP mines. That's when I called in Weston Commercial Cleaning's FEST (Frog Extraction Strike Team)--my husband, who relocated Kermit to the neighboring golf course.

This Week’s Final Cut in Movies show (04/25/08): The Forbidden Kingdom

Click here to listen to tonight's show.

On this week’s The Final Cut in Movies show, I'll be discussing The Forbidden Kingdom, starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li, a new, exciting development regarding Peter Jackson and The Hobbit, and other science fiction & fantasy news.

The show will air from 2:00-3:00am & pm and re-air throughout the week at the same times on http://www.adastraradio.com/.

Michelle's Travel Adventures Continue...

MapQuest is my hero. I know a lot of people don't like it, but MapQuest speaks my language, and since I often travel to places I've never been--almost always alone--I use it all the time. I enter my home address and my destination, and it gives me directions, complete with the mileage I'll be driving on each street. It's a thing of beauty.

Now before I embark into another "Michelle the flake" story, let me explain a few things...

First, something happened to my car's console lighting when I had the tires changed after my tire blowout incident. When I turn on my headlights, my console lighting dims much more than it used to before said tire change, meaning it's difficult to see my radio/CD player settings, my speed, and my odometer--especially at night when I'm supposed to be using the headlights.

Second, I have 3 odometer settings: lifetime mileage, Trip A, and Trip B. (Don't you just love computerized odometers? You have no idea if you're looking at your car's lifetime mileage or your trip mileage, and which trip were you using anyway?) I can toggle between each setting using a little button on my dashboard. I usually use either Trip A or Trip B so I can record my mileage for tax purposes, and the beauty is that I simply look at my MapQuest directions (turn right on State Road 80, 12.4 miles), check my odometer, and add 12.4 miles--meaning I know my street is coming up when my odometer hits that number. Again, it's a thing of beauty.

So this morning, I started driving my 55.17 miles to Alva Middle School--with only 4 hours of sleep (which is quickly becoming a pre-speaking tradition). I'm a safe driver, so I've turned on my headlights. Then I turned east on State Road 80--heading right into the rising sun. I squinted as I checked my mileage 4740.6 (or something like that), added 12.4 miles, and the knew I could relax for a while until the odometer hit 4751. (I start looking for my next turn about a mile ahead of time so I don't miss it.) About 10 minutes later, I knew it was time to check the odometer: 4741.5 (or something like that).

Wait! I've only gone a mile? I've been driving for ten minutes going at least 50.

I looked back at my odometer--squinting because of the sun and because of the bad lighting on my console--and my stomach sank when I realized:

My car's lifetime mileage setting doesn't use decimal points. The Trip A and Trip B settings use decimal points, but for some reason, the lifetime mileage setting uses integers only.

I had been driving for who knows how long and who knows how far. I hadn't been paying attention because I was relying on my odometer, which I couldn't see clearly, to tell me how far I had gone. Silly, I know. Relying on an odometer...

Oh, and did I mention that I only had ten minutes to make it to the school before I had to speak?

My saving grace: I spoken at the school once before, and I knew I had yet to pass one of the landmarks I was keeping an eye out for. If I had never been to the school, I would have been forced to pull into the nearest gas station to ask for directions, and you know how much I hate stopping at gas stations.

Memiors of a Cleaning Lady: Part II

Or, The Top Ten (or more) Things I've Learned From Commercial Cleaning

Click here for "Memoirs of a Cleaning Lady: Part I".

As many of you know, my husband and I own a commercial cleaning business. When A Prophecy Forgotten first came out, I helped out with the actual cleaning. (I've blogged about it, too. See "Memoirs of a Cleaning Lady" and "Don't Blush While Wearing Concealer.") For a while, I was able to quit the cleaning part and concentrate on writing and promotion. With this economy the way it is, however, I have again taken up the mop and toilet brush--only this time, the labor has intensified.

We have taken on outside cleaning of property associations--mainly cleaning condo railings, corners, pools, pool baths, and exercise rooms. This means a lot of outside work, which involves 70 SPF sunscreen (I hate tanning.), a silly bucket cap (which I make look cute with pig tails), and a whole lot of elbow grease. I work about 15 hours a week--11 of it on Fridays. I probably clean over 20 toilets, and I wipe down and remove cobwebs from railings, which involves stairs. On a typical Friday, I will clean about 40 flights of stairs. It's actually fun. I take two damp rags--one in each hand--and clean the railings as I run up the stairs. (Running gives me quite a leg workout.) Of course, I live down in South Florida, so the wildlife outside can be insane--especially since we rarely have a good bug-killing freeze.

As much as I dislike Fridays (and Wednesday nights when I clean office buildings), I can say that I have learned a lot from cleaning. (Lessons in life are always around. You just have to look for them.) So here's a list of things that I've learned so far...

• Where there is a cobweb, there is usually a cob... Down here, our spiders include black widows and brown recluses (whose poison will eat through your skin and muscle if not stopped), so I'm not a big fan of spiders.
• Don't try to kill a spider by punching at it through two railings. If you're off by half-an-inch, you could slam your thumb into one the railings instead of the spider and pop a blood vessel. (On that note, you should never try to kill a spider that is crawling on a windshield--especially if you are in karate. I aimed the heel of my hand at a spider that was crawling on a windshield once, forgetting that I have broken boards with the same move. The windshield shattered, but stayed together until we could get to a repair shop. A total accident, but I now know I can get out of a car if I'm trapped and it's sinking in 20 ft of water...)
• All frogs are trained in the froggy airborne division.
• If you accidentally spray a frog that is hiding behind a bathroom stall door with disinfectant, the frog will quickly become airborne. (Ask me about the frog that left an outside women's bathroom after I sprayed it only to be accidentally sprayed again after it took cover in the men's bathroom. No, I'm not making it up. The frog attacked me twice in two different bathrooms.)
• The frog's angle of flight will usually be aimed at you.
• Frogs feel cold and slimy on the back of your neck.
• I hate frogs.
• Lizards do not have airborne divisions. I therefore like lizards better than frogs.
• If you want to make your legs feel like lead for a few days, run up 40 flights of stairs.

And things I've learned cleaning office buildings:

• Regarding garbage cans under the desk: Most women should not play basketball. (Hey, I call it as I see it. That or most women are lazy if it's not their house. Take your pick. Either way, ladies, half your trash doesn't end up in your garbage cans, and I have to clean it up.)
• Regarding overall bathroom cleanliness: Sorry ladies. Guys bathrooms are cleaner. Women leave paper towels all over the place (see "women and basketball" above) and have little trinkets like scented candles and lace that I have to clean around. I rarely have to clean up any paper towel messes in a guys' bathroom. I suspect it's because guys don't hang out in bathrooms; they do their business and leave. Women use bathrooms as conference rooms, costume changing rooms, make up rooms... That, and I really do believe women tend to be lazy if it's not their house.
• Actually, let's just cut to the chase. Women are messier than men, and their cubicles are much messier than men's. Hey, I just call it as I see it--and clean it.
• Regarding urinals and aim: A few of you guys out there simply should never take up sharp shooting.
• The higher paying the job, the cleaner the office. I don't know why that is, but there is a definite correlation. It probably has to do with pride in one's work translating to overall office cleanliness.
• The higher paying the job, the better the aim at the garbage can. Don't know why that is either.